(((luce)))

i hope your day gets better. i think you're such a great person here, and your posts are always so insightful and wise, and it makes me sad that you get days where you are down on yourself too.

pdoc told me to chin up, too. he actually made uncurl myself and tip my head right back so that i could break the ruminations which were getting mesmerising. i wasn't doing it, but he kept saying please and please and to trust him. he's so nice to me.

he told me some stuff that i know was big for him to tell me. i was in such a funk though that i didnt even respond or acknowledge what he said. i feel awful about my response, and honoured that he shared what he did. but i dont know if bringing it up next week is a bad idea too.

pdoc gave me a script for a benzo because i just havent been hit like this for a long time now, and it came completely out of no where. but he rang the pharmacy and told them they could only give me enough for 3 days at a time, even though a normal packet has 56 days. i know he is being responsible because he's worried that i wont be.

i wish i could give him back what he shared with me. i feel sad for him and know it was big for him to tell me, and i didnt even respond and that would have hurt, even if the reason he was telling me wasn't to garner any sympathy for him anyway.

i took some of the benzo earlier today but it just knocked me out. evidently have to try a quarter dose next time. but i still feel like crap now, so many sleep until next week (or until the next 3 days) is a good idea anyway.