These thoughts are echoed all over these forums in hundreds of variations, and they express well one of the key elements of our illness. Speaking only as a layperson, depression is a disease of the will. Even as some diseases cause the deterioration of bodily tissues such as muscle, depression attacks the mysterious mind-will connection. A person with a spinal injury may not be able to move their legs; we frequently can't "move" our "selves."

So, whenever we find we can move, or act, we should try to act as "economically" as possible, doing the most essential things, knowing our ability to act may leave us all too quickly. Our times of productive labor may be few and short, and each achievement, no matter how small, is worthy of celebration.

Years ago, when my depression had yet to completely engulf me, I did many of the things you mention to counter the illness. My hard-won successes in attaining a greater degree of physical and social health did not prevent depression from eventually driving me into the ground. Currently I'm a mess. I've fallen, and I theoretically know how to get up, but I haven't. I'm being a good, compliant medications taker, I'm "stable," but I'm not recovering.

The good news is, my story doesn't predict your story. Who knows - maybe one of those times of relatively greater activity may take healthy root in you and become the norm rather than the exception. You may even one day look back on your depressed self and wonder how you could have ever been down. May that be your story, Dreamsoflight.