Some kind words were offered to me in another thread:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Babysteps09
Having a mental illness is nothing to be ashamed about .
It is not your fault you have mental illness .
Would you be ashamed if you had a physical illness ?
You don't have to hide your problems here .
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It may seem foolish. or ridiculous, or at least pretty out of place in a forum such as this, but I have a hard time with the words 'mental illness'. I suppose maybe I am burdened by the mental illness equivalent of 'internal homophobia' !
But really it is just that when I try to think of myself as someone with a mental illness, I keep running up against the thought that my life was not supposed to be like this. I guess that is true for all of us...
I was supposed to grow up to be a doctor and save lives and do all kinds of brilliant things like the doctors I read about in books. I was not supposed to reach the age of 49 and be hopelessly lost, disconnected and never having come anywhere near fulfilling my potential.
If I have a mental illness that means I am not in charge somehow. My greatest defence against the pain I suffered as a child was always to make it my own fault. That meant there was no need to feel it, or to feel sorry for myself, or to expect any kind of help, or comfort or sympathy. (none of which were to be found anyhow) If my current and lifelong problems are my own fault then the reality of the devastation of my hopes / dreams / desires is not so overwhelming.
It is still easier for me to think of myself as a ****-up, than to think of myself as having problems that warrant being treated with compassion. I have always felt that actually letting someone really care about me would break me into a thousand pieces...