Thanks, all. I really appreciate your replies. ((((((((everyone)))))))))

I'm trying to get on with my life. I'm making game plans. He left me before, and it sent me into a tailspin with my depression -- should've been a sign, really, but I was just so relieved when he came back that I didn't even notice that his presence was making the depression even worse. My friends were so worried about me, but I wouldn't listen to them. I couldn't see how someone I cared about so much could possibly be bad for me, could possibly be dragging me down. Last time he left, I stopped living because I couldn't see the point of life without him. This time, I'm forcing myself not to expect him to come back again, not to want him to come back again, and to firmly tell myself that if I do hear from him again, I will tell him to clear off. It's funny, because I am hurt that he's gone, and at the same time a little relieved, like maybe this is an opportunity to get my life back on track and my depression under control, two things I know I would never have been able to do while he was around.

Now, I'm determined not to put my life on hold for him any more. Whether he comes back or not makes no difference; either way, I have to get on with things. I have to strengthen myself against my depression, I have to focus on my education and future career, and I have to start doing things for myself again, because I spent the last two years so focussed on someone else that I lost sight of what I wanted and needed. I just need a change, I guess. I'm thinking about doing some volunteer work abroad -- it's something I've always wanted to do but never had the guts for. I've got 2 years of university left, which I'm going to use to boost my marks and make sure I can do everything possible to get into the grad program I want. I'm going to travel more, maybe start the photo album I've been putting off forever. I'm writing more, and with serious intentions of entering contests, sending my stuff to magazines... I just need to feel like I'm DOING something, like I'm moving forward. The worst thing about missing him is the terrible sense of stagnation I feel, and the dread that he's moving on without me, that I've been left behind. I think I need to convince myself that I haven't been left behind, I've just moved in a different direction, and that where I end up can be just as beautiful without him.

And, although it's embarrassing, at the heart of all this is a terrible, vindictive desire to succeed despite him. Not even succeed, but leave him in the dust. I want to outdo him. I want to prove to myself that I don't need him and one day I want him to realize just how big of a mistake he made the day he decided not to love me because it was too hard. I want to prove that I'm worth the effort and I want to throw his determination to be mediocre back in his face. I want to be able to run into him in the street ten years from now and say, "Look what I did without you."