I go through random and deep bouts of depression on a regular basis. I will be feeling fine one day and then I plop to feeling down on myself in every way. It happens unexpectedly (though it can also be brought on by something else) and a lot.
I feel like I've lost far too many people because of it. When I feel down like that I generally do not want to be with people unless I have to, leading me to not return phone calls or texts and simply being a party-pooper.
Instead of the people who are trying to get a hold of me assuming it's a personal problem of mine, they assume I simply do not want to be friends with them, and invariably stop calling or returning my calls as some sort of revenge on my disregard for their courtesy of trying to contact me. Therefore, feeling down causes these people to move on, which makes me feel even more down.
But I think if I could be honest with these people, it could work out better. But I don't want to be honest with them, because they can't understand and, as a result, could make me feel worse about myself by dealing with it negatively or just shunning me altogether (making this lose-lose no matter what I do).
Here on this site I am a braver person about being myself, because I know no one here will judge me or make assumptions about my thoughts and feelings. And i know that when i do fall into depression again, I can come back and you all will still be here.
But for some reason I can't seem to get it out to the people around me, the people I have called "friends" in the past who have turned out to be anything but. They're just too quick to jump on anyone who isn't like them, which is one of the last things I need.

Anyways, just a thought about what is happening in my life. I suppose I'm lonely because I'm depressed, and depressed because I'm lonely. Looks like an endless cycle to me.