I really want to cut right now... My boyfriend refuses to leave me alone for a minute because he can tell that I want to do it. So I can't reach my tools... But I really want to cut.... I feel like I am crazy. My psychiatrists realized I have a lot more than just depression. I am taking anti-depressants and anti-psychotics... But I still relapse. tonight i relapsed really bad.

I went with my boyfriend to his friends house. I didn't realize that there were going to be so many people at his friends place. So, as usual, I started to panic not even ten minutes after we got there. So my boyfriend, once again, had to make up some random excuse to explain to his friend why we had to leave. Then when we leave I start crying and screaming and blaming my boyfriend.

He almost took me back to the hospital tonight. This would have been the third time this year that I was hospitilized for my mental illness... I hate myself. I hate that I can't do normal things. His friends don't realize that I am sick, so they just assume I am a *****... I know that they know that I am the reason why my boyfriend never gets to hang out anymore.

I hate myself. I hate myself for being crazy. Hate myself for ruining my boyfriends life. Hate myself for taking things out on my boyfriend. Hate myself for being such a burden on everyone. I have managed to push away all of my friends and now I feel like I am pushing away my Boyfriend's friends.

Now I hate myself and I am so sad.... So mad at myself... I just have such a strong urge to cut.... I know I probably will the minute my boyfriend falls asleep...