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Wow, it sounds like you have so much going on and that as much as your boyfriend wants to help and is supportive you kinda need to deal with what is going on with you. I know that sounds easier said than done but you have already been to the hospital 3 times this year - seems like you have a lot of stuff that you are trying to work on.
Are you working with a therapist? Both for medication and/or therapy. I know for me I am in the middle of a lot of things and as supportive and wonderful as my friends are they are no substitute for my therapy. It's hard but so they tell me it's worth it.
Also, as far as all this hating yourself. I can relate to hating myself for everything I do and everyone I think that I am hurting but - YOU ARE DOING THE BEST THAT YOU CAN DO RIGHT NOW.
Sounds like you are reacting to a lot of things and it's more natural for me to hate myself but reluctantly I am learning about this child in me who didn't do anything wrong and does not deserve to be hated.
Do you think that you can find 5 minutes to try to be kind to yourself. To do something that you enjoy and gives you pleasure. Basically be kinder to yourself. You are not hurting anyone on purpose - mostly hurting yourself and you don't have to appologize to anyone for that. You are suffering and in a great deal of pain. Please find a professional and start to talk this stuff out.
We are here for you and will provide all the support you need - and help you find ways to stop beating yourself up.
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