thank you all for replying and for the many hugs and love .

i just entered a bad headspace on thursday night, and the session with pdoc on friday was difficult and unexpected for us both given how well i'd been travelling recently.

i have been having some very bizarre thoughts that i dont feel are "mine", but they are lessening now and i'm getting my head back again.

i am going to try and tell pdoc thank you for telling me what he did. i feel anxious thinking about it though because i have failed so badly at this in the past, and they really were moments when he needed a compassionate response and i've just said nothing. i know this time the need to be kind wasn't so urgent, but he also told me that i'm the only person now who knows beyond his family, so i know it is something that is a big deal for him.

i think i was the most difficult i've ever been on friday, so i feel doubly bad that i was such an uncooperative **** and also that i didnt respond to his disclosure.

i have always adored pdoc (sickeningly so, as you all know ) but my respect for him has just got up a thousand-fold, and i'm sad that he has to deal with someone like me. i just want the best for him and for him to be happy. i hate how i always create problems and cant just be good.