I think the greatest underlying issue I have that has caused all of my other issues (depression, self-injury, relationships, etc.) is my self-esteem. All my life I have felt inadequate or awkward in situations. So, as a child and young adult, I combated this feeling with over-achievement. I won numerous awards in art and painting, was a straight A student, a scholarship winner in high school. I achieved to gain validation for my own self-esteem. I built my self-esteem on other people's reactions. When I was little, I can remember drawing something then going right to my parents to make sure I got their approval.

Now I still paint, and draw. But only sometimes, and usually I don't show anyone. I still seek validation, but in a way that is so harmful to myself and my self-esteem. I am constantly trying to find boyfriends or even just friends to validate myself and make me feel better about myself. I fish for compliments so I hear from another person that I'm beautiful, nice, etc. because the person inside me says I'm stupid, ugly, a failure.

So my question is, how do I learn to build my own self-esteem without others validating my worth? It seems impossible for me since all my life I just wanted others' praise. I think if I can figure out this issue, everything else in my life will fall into place and I won't have to resort to negative habits (alcohol, SI, etc).

Any advice is appreciated. Thank you!