Soccerball,
I can understand what you are saying. For me, I think it's more of wanting mental release, I can't handle the sadness ect....I think of my T and her family, and wish I could have what they have in a sense (though I know the reality is they have their issues as well). Still her kids will never have to experience what I have because they have a good home and loving parents. Thats what saddens me the most, my history, that I can't change it, that I missed out on so much because of it, and that I am still dealing with the after effects.

It can be very lonely because I am so afraid to trust, therefore, I only allow myself to get so close to people. I am not married, nor do I have any children. I recently lost my mom, and my dad totally left the picture after my mom passed. This lonliness is becoming too much for me and is effecting me more than ever. I am having trouble even letting my T in because I know the reality is that she can't save me. I'm afraid of even allowing that closeness because that too will end.....hence the cycle continues.....and I want out of this cycle.....I just want to be happy.....

Can you explain more of what you are feeling in reference to it?