Hangingon, sending you . I wish I had more wisdom for you, but I can tell you I have faith that you will not be unhappy and or lonely forever...

What you said about wanting mental release is part of it...I often feel as though I am going to burst with all the sadness and mess inside of me, and that I have no way to lighten the load. I know that is what my T is there for, but it is still so hard for me to get used to "dumping" things on others...I feel guilty...

Has anyone read the book The Giver? It is about a future society in which all memories, good and bad, are erased from the population. It is the job of one person to keep all of the memories so that they aren't lost, and of course it is extremely painful. This kind of explains how I feel in my relationship with T-she has to hold all of my negativity. I realize that that is part of her job, and that she doesn't really hold it in the sense that I do because she probably thinks about it only during my sessions, but still...

Wanting release is only part of it, though...when I want her to save me, I want her to make me stop behaviors that aren't helpful. The logical part of me knows she can't do this...she is amazing at offering support and strategies, but when it comes down to it only I can make the necessary changes. This is what scares me the most. Maybe it's just I'm unwilling to do the work, the hard stuff that goes along with it? I just want someone to swoop in and rescue me from myself.