Coconut,
I wish I were more attached to my therapist maybe it would make things easier. It's more this tug of war within me. One side saying just trust her, allow yourself to be vulnerable, and the other saying, don't do it, you'll probably only be hurt in the end.
It gets so frustrating.

My T does give me hugs at the end of session and says she cares but it's so hard to internalize any of it.
Thanks for your hugs. And you got it right, I'm just scared to death of being vulnerable.

Reflection
Thanks, I did cry that night, and feel it coming again tonight. Ugh....the sadness is getting to be too much. I start back to nursing school tomorrow and am lacking energy to do anything, though I force myself to because I will only beat myself up later if I don't do it.

I really hope I get to the point one day where I recognize crying as good thing, right now, I'm not very comfortable with it.
I hope you you were able to have the good cry you needed

Del,
Thanks for the hugs,
back to you

Tree house,
They were coming because I feel like I was let down by my T at a really hard point, the 1st anniversary of my mom's death (T knows alot of the details surrounding this), I just wish she were more sensitive to this time. I feel myself wanting to shove it all back down.

I did bring up my hurt in her not calling to leave a message. She said she was sorry.......that she really didn't have time. But later in the convo said guess I could of maybe at night.

Then tells me not too long after that that she can't always call right back when I am in crisis ( I had never asked her to call me before this) (And I didn't want to talk, just wanted her to leave a message, I just needed to hear her voice), And I know that she can't always do it right away.....but it was a bad time for her to say that with what I was feeling about the whole thing. I felt like she didn't truly acknowledge my feelings. Again, maybe this is all me, my stupid over sensitivity....

Hence.....obtaining this connection is so stinking hard.......which is why it doesn't feel real.

I just truly wonder how many other people would have been hurt by this?

Bether,
I think what I wrote to tree will help you understand some.
And yes, the fact that I bare my soul about things I have never shared with anyone only to walk away does make this very difficult....

Mel,
Thanks, I'm trying

Skeksi,
Thank you, I hope it will be......sometimes I feel myself totally wanting to pull away......especially when things like this happen.....tug of war, tug of war, tug of war.......