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Kiya · Aug 31, 2009, 12:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wanttoheal

As a rule, the adults in my life apparently were far from safe, but I think I must have seen or had access to some that were safe, be it when I was in hospital or from TV. Somehow I had some kind of knowledge that not all adults were like those in my immediate life.

It can be very scary delving into all of this and being willing to look. I often look with my fingers covering my eyes.

I know i would fake being sick so i could stay home and watch "Highway to Heaven" with Michael Landon. He was my "safe guy". No one else was ever home.

yeah - on the "scary" part - we were just talking about that today with someone who is just 2 years into this journey. I'm on year 6 so i can still identify with where she is at, and give hope from where i am at now -while still identifying my current fears.

Quote:

My daughter has said that when people stress out beside me or get angry, etc- anything that deals with high emotions, it's like my body slows down and I become the extreme version of calm. She said she notices that people around me calm down from it or at the least, stand out in the extreme from the calmness in me. The only thing I can think is that when I was younger, it must have been needed to keep me safe and to deal with whatever was going on.

Yes... i know now that when i get triggered in therapy or swap out, the therapist actually falls asleep (or darn near)!! They yawn, their heads sometimes nod, their eyes glaze over. They all appologize and can't understand why it is only ever me that this happens with. I used to feel bad - thinking maybe I was an energy vampire or something! But I am now thinking - especially from reading your comment - that maybe part of our safety has been a psysical change of energy to exude calm over others when there is any sort of raised alarm, panic, anger, frustration... very, very interesting...

Quote:

even though the outside shows extreme calmness, my insides tend to get pretty messed up. I guess it affects the body somewhere, even if it doesn't show. That causes struggles here in so many ways, particular when from the outside it looks like I'm managing just fine, even when I'm not from the inside.

This has been problematic for my system as well/and the outer world. I look like i am calm, fine, dealing - when underneath all is chaos and my physical body is paying the price for it. Even in one special ed class i work in - they call me because they say the other subs freak out - but they tell me i am always calm and work well with the kids when *they lose it*. I'm really not calm at all - but i can feel the internal shift that starts sending out those "calm everyone down" waves and makes me appear calm while inside the fight/flight system has been engaged and i am on super alert, trying to figure things out while also trying to calm my own internal kids

Oh yeah - that age/time thing. I often tell people the wrong age or name

then have to correct myself - tell them i didn't get enough sleep (usually true anyways) or that my "brain seems to be turned off" or whatever. As for seasons, my "years" seem to live only in one month. Each year I have noticed I have been in the same one month for the duration. When I first became aware of it, in my mind it had been March for YEARS. Why march? No idea. But March it was. At least 3-4 years. Then the next year it was actually April - all year. I was impressed I had graduated to April. Shockingly, that next year was May - such a nice change to March. And this year, it has been June all year. This seems very strange to me. Hmmmm no wonder my food stamps don't last the month. lol. In reality, with those, they seem to last 2 weeks, so i evidently have very long weeks.

This has been a very good thread wantto! glad you introduced it - i had a lot to learn.

((((Wanttoheal))))