Thanks. I am hoping the posting might help. I know I can't keep existing like this. I also know that I have to do something before medical school in the fall.

I can't tell my parents - they are sort of old-school and my mother will just tell me to suck it up. My father just will not understand.

I can't even imagine what my brother might say.

I have this huge weight on me and for all my efforts it is not getting better. I have distanced myself from almost everyone I know.

I used to be so different than I am now. I was confident. Fun. Courageous.

I think part of this is post-traumatic stress - I responded to the attacks in NYC on 9-11 and have not felt totally okay since then. I used to love to fly - took lessons, had my license and everything - now the thought of being in a plane scares the hell out of me -- but I have to keep up appearances of course- so as usual I sit and smile and pretend everything is just f*cking great.

Part is that I didn't get into the medical school I wanted and settled for something "less" - yeah I know - school is school - but I really wanted to be able to give my parents that letter that said, 'Congrats you have been accepted to ...." Since I have felt like such a failure for the past bunch of years. (Please do not tell me about how I should be happy I got into any medical school or anything along those lines.)

Part is that I am 33, changing careers, about to go into serious debt...

I feel like I let everyone down - my brother is gay so I am pretty much the only shot my parents have for grandkids but I'll be in school forever so how likely is that...

I was married - got divorced - never got over that- not so much because of him - but because I felt horrible my parents spent all that money on a wedding and it was wasted then helped me pay for college on top of that. Of course I know they don't mind and they are proud of me - at least that is what the logical side of me knows... But we're all here for the same reason - so you can understand what I mean when I say I "know" I am a huge failure.

That logic side of me is an interesting thing though. If I were someone else looking in- but priivy to what I think and do - I'd say I was on the verge of having an eating disorder and/or being an alcoholic. I'm neither though - mainly because I would only see it as being a greater failure and letting everyone down even more.

No matter what I do it isn't good enough -- at least that is how I see it. That logical side tells me that no matter what I do- my family and friends will love me and support me - but that other part refuses to accept that.

Right now I guess the best way to put it is that I am at the climactic scene in the movie of my life - where we find out which of the two sides is going to win...