My boiler is getting fixed soon, I can just boil my kettle for hot water and with Connor around, that's not frustrating me so much because he's helping out. It will be teh service provider that fixes it and I need to fill out forms to get it done, so that needs to be done now.

I changed my address on Thursday FINALLY and haven't had a phonecall about it since, so am just waiting on the letter which I should hopefully get tomorrow because it's a bank holiday today and Connor tells me post isn't delivered on a bank holiday..

It was a few of the residents here that called me a let down, just because I wouldn't go on a trip with them because I was seeing Connor instead and sorting MY own stuff out. They probably called me a let down:

a) because they enjoy my company and really wanted me to go
b) because they wanted to put me on a guilt trip for not going
c) because they wanted me to be in control of the group and deciding what fun activities they'd be doing because I'm on their level and know what they'd enjoy.

For someone who's hardly eaten, I think I'm thinking quite clearly and reasonably well...

I am on AD's, which are helping and am seeing my T in 2 days, which I just cannot wait for because I know she'll be really sympathetic and helpful, but I know she'll really not be happy with the weightloss... Here's something I wrote in a PM to another PC'er:

I'm not doing so well with the eating side of things lost 10lbs in less than a week.. :-/ Connor's been staying with me and has been understanding about it, he's not pressurized me to eat, apart from a few days ago when he tried to make me eat a packet of crisps. I've been having a yoghurt for breakfast, a sandwich and an apple for lunch (which hasn't happened today) and a meal for dinner. Last night I cooked Connor my own made recipe of chicken in a yoghurt sauce with roasted veg and potatoes and corn on the cob. I struggled, Connor commented on how little I served myself but I served myself how much I knew would be a push.

So... Tonight is pizza and chips and I plan not to eat the pizza if I can help it, but I know Connor won't be happy with that, so I might try just on slice. I don't know. He's been complaining that I picked the food so why aren't I eating it? I don't know! I thought I'd be okay with eating what I picked! But I'm not...

I'm trying at least...

That pretty much sums it up.. I don't want to lose the opportunity to carry on seeing T, but I don't want to put on any of this weight... I want to lose 4 times what I've already lost.. and I know I can do it, which just spurs me on even more...

I didn't bother going to see the dr, things have been okay. I saw her the day after I got the food poisoning, about my AD's and have yet to see her about my eczema which just keeps getting worse!!!! Soooo I have to go and sort that out now too, along with everyting else... She'll weigh me if she sees I've lost weight and she'll continue weiging me and I just can't let that happen

Thanks for being here, P7.

FooZe,

I'm hardly even talking to him now, not being hard on him, not being soft on him, just not seeing anyone from that place anymore. They all use me nd I can't be doing withit anymore. I ask one favour and they come back with "I do everything for you, do something for me for once" Pfft. Other way around, me thinks. For me, the group is looking at what's most comfortable for them, but it doesn't bother me this week because I have Connor to be around me, so I'm happy enough. I'm not lonely at least.

I don't hate you for saying about me not being able to handle this half as well 3 or 4 months ago --- I know it's so true! So.. I'm trying at least, right..? I seem to be getting somewhere!

Pfft. I got a letter from the police the other day, basically telling me nothing was to be done because I stopped him from touching me by elbowing him (which he told them and I know this because their exact words were "on liason with others, we found that...") which isn't true at all. He WAS only thinking about himself, including the day when he threw Patrick up against a wall. Now, if he'd been in the army like he said he has, he'd have been taught how to deal with that sort of anger and control it. Pff.
I'm not feeling hugely let down because I prepared myself for something like this to happen and it has and when asked by Connor how I felt about it, I shrugged and said "mehhhh. Not let down hugely because I guessed it'd happen. Just p--sed off with him for even trying it".

Then some guy decides he's gonna text me asking what I'm up to and if I wanted to "end the night nicely" some guy I've only met through a friend talking to him when I was in the house and who got my number from her when she used his phone to text me. Pff. Connor read the text and flipped, accusing my of being up to stuff with this guy. I cried about 4 times and shouted and he shouted and went to walk out, kicking my hoover as he went. I punched my bed (which helped :P) and eventually calmed down and spoke to him about it. A few hours later, all was resolved and he apologised for accusing me of messing around with some guy I didn't even know.So I'm happy now because it means that he can eventually believe what I've said and trust what I say eventually. I know I've done nothing wrong and I know that I've not been messing about with this guy, and I'm glad that he finally saw that and has been caring and calm since.

We've had a good few days since then and it has been cheering me up an awful lot and I'm finding it to be a great help to my anxiety and depression etc, which is good. It's just him trying to make me eat things I don't want to.. I feel such a let down to him and I know I'm upsettign him because he thought that by staying with me for a while, he could give me stability and control what I ate by serving up the food for me. Yesterday I served up my own dinner and he commented... "Kirst, that's a tiny amount to put on your plate. You've got hardly anything there!" I'll tell you what I had:

3 roast potatoes, 1 roasted carrot, 4 pices of broccoli and my own speciality recipe chicken in a yoghurt sauce. I had one serving spoonful of that. I gave Connor two pieces of the broccoli whe I felt i couldn't eat anymore and one of the potatoes. I think I did pretty well. Although I'm continually losing weight, I'm eating at least something, right?

I'm really, really struggling and I know I am, but now that I've lost 10lbs in under a week, I want to lose more, I feel I have to lose more. I'm now 67kg and want to be 50 at the most. So another 17kg to go, which is roughly 34lbs and I'll be the highest weight I want to be. I can do that in the space of a month if I keep up the way I am. God, it's scary when I hink like this and I don't want to think like that but the weight loss just sucks me in...