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VickiesPath · 11:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Michah

Hi Vicki.......nice to see you!

I shall try and answer your question........

As the Father told me today, the divinity I catch glimpses of are called "signs" and they are everywhere for people to witness......but the spirit must be receptive in order to see......divinity.....I knew they were significant, but couldn't put a spiritual meaning to them.......I mean, I started to look past the wonderment of science, and see divinity in things that were not there before......such strong feelings about everyday things.....and I thought i was maybe delusional or extra sensitive.......not for a minute did I think that they were a "sign of God".

My relationship with God has been rocky......a bit of history to explain my angst.....

I went to strict Roman Catholic schools all my school life.......I have been a "scientist" since I was a child and spirituality was not really important.....when I got to high school, I excelled in Theology even if my faith was conflicting. The nuns and priest encouraged me to join the Convent when I had completed my Bachelor in Theology.......maybe they saw something in me, and asked me to become the head of the Liturgical Committee at school.

I organised masses, arranged vestments for the priest, and become very involved in the organisation.......I even picked passages from the Bible to analyse and picked Theological Essay questions for the younger grades(remembered all of this today, had not thought of it for a while).....

All the while I fought with the Nuns and questioned and rallied.......my faith like a tennis match......back and forth.....I loved God intensely, but could not assimilate that He existed.

At 16 I lost my mind to a degree......the horrors of my childhood rose up, my mother had an affair, and I felt such deep moral rage, that I became imposssible.......I lashed out at my beloved priests and Nuns more and became openly defiant, even aggressive. They became worried and strongly suggested to my parents that I see a psychiatrist......that hours of Confession did nothing for me and only made me more distressed.....so I did see one but was pulled out after one session, due to my mothers secret fear of being exposed I suppose.

So, I left school and shunned dogma and the Nuns cried.......I was not angry with God, but our love was over.

Now, I have wondered recently what kind of Nun I would have made and would my divinity experience been any more powerful if I had been? To answer your question, how did I go so far from God......and what kind of divinity am I allowed to witness? Things are surfacing and I am being asked to face them.......I am sure that all spiritual beings from whichever denomination experience this at some point in their lives.......

I am not dogmatic but still study Theology.......and occassionally I speak to my priest and my spiritual angst is removed for a time........

Thanks for asking Vicki.......sorry for the long reply......but I thought a bit of history might help you understand where I am coming from.....

Hugs

Michah

Michah,

I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to write to me and explain your background. I found it most interesting and intriguing and can definitely understand the conflict that you experienced throughout the years.

I am a member of the Episcopal Church. I was raised an Episcopalian. When I left my parents' home, I did not attend church but did go to a Methodist sponsored university. There, we were not required to attend chapel or study theology. But the campus minister was a dear friend of mine who has since passed away. But, I once told him, you could see the influence of Christian values everywhere on the campus, from the way the student life was designed to the way the teachers cared for the students.

Later in my life, I grew closer to God, oddly enough, when my mental illness became worse. I was misdiagnosed for years and did not receive proper treatment for years and spent many, many bad times alone, on the verge of suicide, and the only thing I can attribute to my salvation was a voice inside of me that kept telling me that life was not supposed to be this hard and to keep hanging on one more day. Sometime later, I realized I was self-medicating with alcohol and took myself to AA and it was in working that program that my faith grew very, very strong.

Currently, some twenty or so years later, I am married to an Englishman who attended Anglican schools in the UK. I was not aware of the questioning he had going on inside of him because he had always told me that he was agnostic. It was only in the last 1 1/2 years that he told me a story of his conversations with the vicor at his school and the confusion he felt upon leaving. He was raised a Methodist in the UK, which is nothing like our Methodist church here. Anyway, long story short, the Episcopal church here (I'm sure you know) is the only church in the US sanctioned by the Church of England and recognized by the Archbishop of Canterbury. Around a year ago, my husband announced one day, out of the clear blue, that he decided that he does believe in God and he wanted to start going to church and it needed to be the Episcopal church. Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather!

The reason, dear Michah, that I have written all of this is to tell you that in our small parish (350 or so members) we have many former Catholics who, for one reason or another, have converted to our congregation. We even have two Catholic priests, one who the bishop has agreed to allow to become an Episcopal priest, and one who has petitioned the bishop but has been refused for the time being. The odd thing is, my husband has completely become absorbed into this parish and is enjoying it immensely. I, on the other hand, am involved in a ministry of service work involving the mentally ill in our community.

I do enjoy going to worship service but still, my faith does not depend upon it. It is very personal. And I depend upon it implicitly daily. I also have an acquaintance who was a former nun who left the order to marry and have a family. We've talked and she gave me a glimpse of the struggle she experienced.

Thank you again, so much, for sharing with me.