(((((((((Berries))))))))))

The voices don't know you.

Last night, I was talking to a friend. I told her that I didn't feel worthy of other people's friendship, attention or care. I told her -- as the voices have been telling me for years -- that I may SEEM like a good person, but in reality I'm selfish, boring, and a waste of oxygen because I'm weak and will never accomplish anything worthwhile. Her response: "Who on EARTH told you that crap?!" I told her that I just know these things, that I'm the one living inside my own head and I'm the one who knows what I truly think and feel. And then she said, "Just because you think something doesn't mean it's true."

I know how hard it is to separate your depression from reality. I struggle with it on a daily basis. At first I thought it was just a matter of forcing myself not to listen, but how can you not listen to something that's being shouted at you, over and over, on and on? So now I have a new tactic. Let the depression rail and rage, let it beat me to a pulp, let it have me ... so long as I recognize it for what it is, so long as I recognize that I'm sick, that I'm not doing this to myself. We are victims, you and I, of a cruel illness. And if we cannot ignore what it's saying we can at least acknowledge that it's there, that it has the power to lie to us, and that it is lying to us. Even if we can't stop the lies from coming and from hurting us, little by little I've found that they lose some of their power over me as long as I keep telling myself that at least some part of my thinking is not being influenced entirely by me, but by some other, identifiable force.

I'm not sure if that made sense ... it's late and I'm really tired and I've been a little out of it lately, but I hope it does. Take care of yourself, Berries. You are a good, decent, kind person and you do not deserve to suffer this way.