I dont know. I am a very confused person. The reason is not perfectly clear. I sometimes just go nuts, especialy in front of a mirrror when I see myself. I truly am sick of the world we live in. It is not just my life that I hate, but pretty much the whole society and human kind. Maybe I wouldn't like animals much either if I actualy got to know them. Naturaly, my lack for living is depression in a sence. I really do not care if I get hit by a truck tomorrow, and if I do, I wouldn't wanna live after that, being injured or in a coma. When I am depressed, I become angry. Even though I know how to treat anger, I feel I never will be happy. What is the reason that i am just simply existing. I could commit suicide, and than again, not. I wish our minds would not be so instinctly infuanced by the "negative" obstacles. I mean who really controls your life, you or your mind. Sure, you could do what you want, but at the end, it always wins and you end up doing as it is set to be doing. I hate for our psychological structure being so "black and white". After all we are the ones who should be conrolling ourselves. Maybe we need to feel happiness, but we are not animals anymore, we should know what we need without the mind telling us that. And the strange thing is that everyone differs, every mind is different, sure it works out nicely in general, but wouldn't be better if we all we much more similar inside. What is the point of living if we are being controled what to do. Our spirit is not free, we are burdened with emotions and stress. Animals are very simple machines compared to us, they need their mind to tell them what to do in order to survive. I just wish we would be more evolved. i suppose I would be happy if I could forever learn the mysteries of life from any type of source. I do all I can to prevent depression, yet stress still overcomes me. Stress of the unknowing that I feel must be discovered. I hate my behavior, and I am sick of doing as I am programmed to, yet again the reason i am sick of it, is because my mind tells me like that. If you think even deeper, If we did not have rules like what we can like and what we can't, we wouldn't really exist in the manner we do now. We still could be concious, but we dont have something to tell us what is good and what is bad, what would be the reason for us to live. Ofcourse I am not applying that there is a greater reason for our existance than that of what we know, but simply if you are enjoying life, you want to live on, because that is how we are programmed. And really, if you think about, my mind is working against itself in a way. Because it the mind tells me what to like and what to dislike, and i dont like the mind, to be honest, i believe my mind is a bit messed up, because I do not think it should reason like that, yet again, you control a pretty big part of it. And you tell it how to reason, and what to think. But ofcourse in order to do that, your mind would have to let enjoy reasoning in that manner. It is very confusing from the top, but as just discussed this, it becaomes a bit clearer, ofcourse still a lot of confusion, and I hate the fact that when I am confused i go nuts. My family tells me just not to think about that stuff if i end up hurting myself mentaly, but I just simply cant stop. And sometimes I feel like my mind does not want me to know some things. there is a bit of a conflict. A lot of it is unconcious, therefore hard to spot or reconize, but somehow i have managed to seem normal out side the house and pretend like nothing is wrong with me. i, however, feel that i can not do that forever. Any thoughts would be great, but please think about before you write, and I think many dont even understand me. Please give me thoughtful replies, I do not want stuff like "vertual hug". those things are nice but they do not cheer me up.