it's september
now thru dec is a very difficult/triggering/extremely sad time.......
not anyone to really talk to about it
so worn down with the back pain and other things
this just seems too much right now
and overwhelming with real life things that can't be done
because of severity of back pain.....damn, pain meds don't even work
feeling the need to hide
be held
talk
cry
go silent
give up
scream
and other stuff
feel like i've over stayed my welcome with T
how many more times will she want to hear
what the events of near two yrs ago has had on me
will it ever stop????????
keep hearing "let it go"
"it's not your stuff"
but it BECAME my stuff when i got involved
PTSD by proxy?????
fear, helplessness, hopeless situation
hearing, listening tho not seeing
not a day went by where i didn't know
didn't hear
didn't get the blow by blow description
of the terror and the pain she was going thru
24/7
triggers are everywhere right now
feel the need to totally clean house
throw everything she ever touched away
maybe that will rid me of the nightmares
the tapes that are beginning to play
i want to scream into myself
"RELEASE ME"
as the tenticles of the beast one by one
suck the reality away and
replace it with smelly inky darkness..........
and today i wonder if she even remembers
or cares....