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VickiesPath · Sep 01, 2009, 03:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Katileena

I think the greatest underlying issue I have that has caused all of my other issues (depression, self-injury, relationships, etc.) is my self-esteem. All my life I have felt inadequate or awkward in situations. So, as a child and young adult, I combated this feeling with over-achievement. I won numerous awards in art and painting, was a straight A student, a scholarship winner in high school. I achieved to gain validation for my own self-esteem. I built my self-esteem on other people's reactions. When I was little, I can remember drawing something then going right to my parents to make sure I got their approval.

Now I still paint, and draw. But only sometimes, and usually I don't show anyone. I still seek validation, but in a way that is so harmful to myself and my self-esteem. I am constantly trying to find boyfriends or even just friends to validate myself and make me feel better about myself. I fish for compliments so I hear from another person that I'm beautiful, nice, etc. because the person inside me says I'm stupid, ugly, a failure.

So my question is, how do I learn to build my own self-esteem without others validating my worth? It seems impossible for me since all my life I just wanted others' praise. I think if I can figure out this issue, everything else in my life will fall into place and I won't have to resort to negative habits (alcohol, SI, etc).

Any advice is appreciated. Thank you!

Hello, Katileena!

I read your post and I thought two things:

1) OMG, this young lady sounds exactly like me.

2) It probably didn't help her self-esteem that no one answered her post very quickly!

I have a little something to offer you if you will allow me. I was very much like you when I was young. My parents were both alcoholic and there were four of us children and I will not say that we lived in squalor or anything like that. We lived well, in a middle class fashion. But my parents were emotionally unavailable and when we were old enough to take care of ourselves and the younger children, they would be gone to the bars. In other words, when they had a choice to spend time with us, they would choose not to. There were also some issues with my mother, in that she had trouble showing affection to us.

I guess what I am trying to explain to you is that self-esteem begins very early in a child. It has nothing to do with money or status, but has everything to do with how valuable the parent makes the child feel. If it does not begin in the home and continue in the home, it is hard to obtain.

When I was a child, I was very gifted musically. I played several instruments and sang. My parents would have friends over and would have me entertain them. That was the one thing I knew pleased them. Therefore, naturally, I developed it. I played piano, guitar, banjo, mandolin, and just about anything else I could get my hands on. I have perfect pitch. This was something I did all through public school and college, even using my talent to help pay for college. I also over-achieved in school, graduating with honors.

But once I was out of school and began learning that there was something terribly wrong with my self-esteem, I was lost. Eventually, I started reading self-help books and workbooks. One set of audio tapes that helped me tremendously was by Nathaniel Brandon called The Psychology of High Self-Esteem. He uses guided imagery to take you back through different stages of your life and sort of re-write your own history in your mind. I'm not sure if it is still in publication but I recommend it highly.

Today, I don't worry so much about proving my value to anyone. I am happy with who I am. But it was a long road getting here. I know you can do it, too. It takes some work, there is no short way around it.

I wish you the best. If I can help you in any way, let me know.