I believe that one of the things I need to be working on is my self-esteem. But I am not sure, after reading some things about self-esteem, that that is what I actually mean. I have no real problem telling myself I have done a good job of something. And I don't spend a lot of time worrying over mistakes.

But is that just sort of the outer layer of self-esteem? For instance, while I can acknowledge having done a bang up job painting someone's house, that doesn't actually have anything to do with me. It is just something I have done. So there is no lasting sense of goodness. It's like nothing really matters.

I guess what I struggle with shows up most in trying to form relationships. Twice recently I have said to someone that I have nothing to offer, specifically in a romantic relationship. I have been single for almost ten years. No dates, nothing. I can't get past the sense of shame that lives at the very core of me and tells me not to bother.

Is that a self-esteem problem? Or is it something else?

And then there are things I have done that other people find interesting and that could be the basis of some good conversations I guess (for example living in a Buddhist monastery for 3 years) But I have no desire to talk about these things, because they are in the past, and I have no sense of it having anything to do with me. No sense of ownership? And also because none of it has made me the person I wish I were, so it doesn't matter. Is that a self-esteem thing?

It doesn't seem like the simple measures suggested to increase self-esteem are likely to make a dent in these things...??? But I guess that's what therapy is for...???