that i did it tonight. not a 'slip up', chose to do it deliberately.

apparently the last time i did it was in january, and that really was a slip up, because when i noticed what i was doing i stopped and didnt actually do too much damage.

because it has been so long, i dont need to do a lot to get what i need from it. i've had enough, i dont need more. but at the same time, i'm battling the desire to do real damage, just so that it looks like something visually.

body is saying 'no', though. it's had enough pain tonight.

so maybe tomorrow, we'll see. i just really want to **** myself up properly once and get it out of my system.