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lynn09 · Sep 02, 2009, 04:30 PM

Welcome to PC, Josie. Sorry I'm late catching up with your post. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Re: your friends - there is a very fine distinction between acquaintances and friends - friends are the family that you choose for yourself, so be very discerning in your selection. Some people may be drawn to you because you are so tender-hearted, as so many people with depression are; and they really want attention from you, but aren't necessarily interested in giving anything back. Also, some people like to create drama in order to keep everyone's attention focused on them, rather than on you or anyone else. I learned early on that most people really are not equipped to understand or deal with someone else's depression, so I have always tried to reserve discussions of it for my T. It is not that I am ashamed of or embarrassed by it, but rather it's a way to protect myself from unnecessary injury. No matter how depressed I get, I can still laugh and joke around - even seeing others laugh makes me feel better because I don't want them to be where I am, I don't want them to feel the way I do; and laughing with them helps to release endorphins (feel-good hormones) into my system which act as a natural mood elevator.

It is so very important right now for you to focus on yourself - you really cannot afford the distraction of drama created by others - you have work to do to get yourself better, and associating with people who hurt and demean you is not helpful. As for your charity walk, if you want to go, then go. Just because you are both there doesn't mean that you are obligated to be with that person. Do not allow others to control what you do and don't do. You had a perfectly legitimate reason for contacting your "friend" regarding the hotel reservations, and your "friend's" response was really very rude and inappropriate (drama). If your "friends" want space, then give it to them - don't get sucked into their game of withholding acceptance, affection, and support from you in order to get you to beg for their company - that's a typical "controller" technique - emotional blackmail. You don't need to beg for anything from anyone.

Printing out your diary entries for your T is an excellent idea - a roadmap, so to speak. This will help your T tremendously to identify "triggers." I'm sorry for the loss of your mother, and I can tell that you really miss her. Hopefully soon you will be able to celebrate having had the opportunity to share time and life with her and your grief will begin to diminish. You have already made quite a bit of progress from your original post - don't stop now. Especially with depression, maintaining momentum is very beneficial - don't allow anyone to slow you down or derail you. Please keep us posted.