...Sometimes my depression and fear of rejection or fear of punishment is so great that I feel completely numb. I think it's because if I were to allow myself to feel the emotions that I might have with a situation, even if I don't know what the emotion is, it would be too overwhelming to me. I think the numbness is a defense mechanism to be able to get through the situation at hand.

I have found when I allow myself to be numb and to seemingly not care, that I slowly am able to deal with things bit by bit. I think, oftentimes due to our pasts, we don't always know any other way to react and still stay safe.

I had to learn to give my T the benefit of the doubt...In my past, people didn't care and set to making me "pay" for things when I didn't even know what I was paying for. Because of this and other things, whenever T did anything that felt unsafe or made me feel like I did as a child, I reacted by rejecting her first because it hurt less at the time.

...Let yourself just relax in the numbness for now, if you can. T cares for you and hopefully in time and with consistency, you will be able to hold onto that.