My Support Forums - View Single Post - Who has to give in this broken relationship

VickiesPath · Sep 02, 2009, 05:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amberfreakled

Hi all, I am an adult child with senior parents, grew up around alcoholism, depression, just your basic dysfunctional family. I am the only child to graduate college, have a stable good marriage, the rock of the family. Host all the family dinners, take parents on vacation etc. I have spent most of my married life juggling my parents and in-laws in terms of holidays, etc. My in-laws are wonderful, giving people and never interfere. My parents are jealous and make you feel overwhelmingly guilty if you spend holidays away from them. To make a long story short, my parents have not spoken to me for 2 months because I spent several weekends with my in-laws this summer at their summer home. Me and my husband have young children, and in this economy, we took advantage of what we could. My parents have even missed my child's birthday, no card or nothing. I have overwhelming guilt because my parents are in their late 60's and not in the best of health, but on the other hand, I have thoroughly enjoyed myself....avoiding the jealousy and guilt they have over my in-laws. This of course, is only part of the story, my parents are critical over a number aspects in my life....my weight, my house, the way I discipline the kids. Any thoughts or suggestions on mending this relationship??? I'm sure I have to be the one to grovel and ask for forgiveness. Just in time for the holidays.

Welcome Amberfreckled to PC!

We have a section here on PC called Adult Children of Alcoholics. I am an adult child of two alcoholic parents. There are also others here who understand your story. Each of us have a different version but they are all pretty much the same type of story.

I am so sorry that you are having this conflict with your parents. You are so lucky that your husband's parents seem to be a bit more tolerable and generous.

I was wondering if you have ever done any family of origin work or have knowledge of any Al-Anon literature or Co-Dependency literature? All of the 12-step teachings (AA, Al-Anon, Coda, ACOA) have at their core the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. However, simply knowing the symptoms of co-dependency and how to keep from being caught up in that trap can help.

My history is vast. I was raised in an alcoholic home, abused alcohol for some time, was misdiagnosed with major depression, recurrent, and finally correctly diagnosed with bipolar illness. But by far, the greatest influence upon my life was the alcoholic home.

I'll pass something on to you that I learned in AA that might explain a little about your parents' behavior. They say that once an alcoholic begins to drink, their emotional maturity stops at that point. So, if your parents have abused alcohol since their late teens, that's where their emotional maturity has rested. This might explain the jealousy and petty behavior.
Also, it seems to me that your guilt might be coming from a position of co-dependency that makes you feel responsible for their plight. There was absolutely nothing wrong with vacationing with your in-laws. Yet, your conditioning has made it feel that way to you.

I didn't mean to write a book here. There are lots of ways that those of us here on PC can help you work through the issues with your parents. Please feel free to post anytime. Look around and become familiar with the site.