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Sep 02, 2009, 08:59 PM
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Member Since: Aug 2009
Location: Buffalo
Posts: 29
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Why should I live this life when there is nothing to live? I am not getting any better....so whats the point? I live in constant pain as do many of us....what keeps us going? Why should I keep trying to move forward....when I am just going to get hurt by someone else or myself again? What is the point? The only reason I am still alive is because I have this baby inside of me. I constantly struggle with the thoughts of death. More than half my day I contemplate suicide. I am so tired of being in pain and not getting any relief from the pain. I have gotten relief on a few occassions and that was when I was recieving the ECT and on the Lithium and Valium. I cant do the ECT anymore because they put me on bedrest yesterday with bathroom privledges. And I cant be on those 2 medications because they arent safe during pregnancy. I know that I am in need of desperate help right now but there is no help for me. I have done everything that I could possibly do right during this pregnancy and I still seem to mess up and not get any better. I have exhausted all of my coping skills and (seriously) like none of them worked. I dont know what is wrong with me because I have always tryed to reach out for help and I just cant do it anymore. I try to reach out for help but the help never comes. I talked to crisis services today and they told me to "calm down and it isnt that serious." I wanted to scream "this is my life and I called inconfidence that you might beable to help me and you tell me that it isnt that serious." I wpould go to the hospital if it helped me but they always tell me thing like isnt there something you can do besides say your suicidal to get attention? So going to the hospital is out of the question. I would talk to my T but she laughs at me when I tell her I am depressed she will say things like "life isnt that bad" or "your smart enough you can deal with what is being thrown your way." So it kinda a slap in the face when I try and talk to her because me makes me feel so dumb and like I am not trying hard enough in life when really I am trying as hard as I possibly can. I am sorry that I have typed so much I think that I will stop now. Its seems like this website is my only way to feel sometype of relief because the majority of you understand how it feels to be like this. 
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