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Sep 03, 2009, 12:28 AM
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Well, between T being gone, my numbness, and the whole house being in shambles (renovation) any feeling of safety I had is gone. Before I left for my t appointment, I was in the shower and realized no one was home with me except the workmen who have the run of the house. Then I heard them start cursing and the water shut off. They broke through a water pipe and had to shut it off to the entire house. I listen, day after day, to power tools, cursing, yelling, loud banging that shakes the house., a husband who at best is absent, and a daughter who is disgusted with me...today it broke me. I packed a bag to bring to T with me. I do not know what I was expecting to do. I am seeing this house renovation as a metaphor for my life...broken, in total disrepare, and unsalvagable. I told the workmen, on my way out, to make sure to get my animals to safety if they decide to blow anything up, and then I left not expecting to return. Being the looser I am, I did eventually go back to the house after trying to find a place...hotel...motel...cave or forest where I could hide.
Nothing will ever be the same. It is all ruined and destroyed. There will never be any safety for me.
My bag is still in the car.
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