I'm really scared right now. I have to leave in less than two hours to go to my T. I'm mostly afraid of the drive. I've never driven this far by myself before. Usually my dad takes me. (my step-dad not bio dad bio dad lives in California and never calls let alone do anything for me).

I wrote out the directions and looked at the map I have a photographic memory of shapes like maps though I don't remember the words on it but with the directions written out I can use that to add the names to the streets in my head. I'm scared that I'll get lost and I don't have a cell phone right now because of family being in a financial crisis. I'm scared that I'll be late but I'll be in the city at about noon if I leave at 10:30 and my appointment's at one. . .I'm thinking of leaving at 10 so I'll be there at 11:30 so I'll be able to eat mcdonalds with my dad (since he's going to be in the city already which is why he can't take me since he took my mom to the airport this morning) and not feel too rushed. I'm scared that I'll get a speeding ticket or a too slow traffic ticket thing. I'm scared that I'll dissociate while I'm driving and hit a deer. Or once i get into the city get all confused by the one way streets and millions of cars. . .okay so hundreds of cars.

I don't know what to do to make this any less stressful. I'm at least not feeling switchy . . .well a little. . . I have 10 memo pad pages (you know a cheap flip book pad of paper 3"x5") of just different things that happened this week which worried me and behavioral stuff since my T is exploring the idea of DDNOS since I feel better with a name for what's going on with me. Sometimes it seems like DID fits me to a T. I even printed out a page that explained DID in a way that I was like "OMG that's me!" and now that I look at it again I'm thinking "no, that's not me, well maybe, I dunno not really I guess". Then I found something that explained DDNOS from a person who has the dx's view point and now I have that "OMG that's totally me!" feeling again. So I highlighted the things that are me in case my view changes again and wrote out some specific experiences. I'm scared that 45 minutes isn't enough time to figure me out.

I'm glad I wrote stuff down because now I don't remember any of it happening. Or it feels like it happened ages ago. Logic says "this happened just this week" but the memory is so distant. I don't understand why that would be. I rarely read books twice because I remember them in detail after reading them the first time so it's boring to read again. Why is this not the same for my own experiences?

I'm just so scared that this is all just for attention like my aunt insists. That I have to try to do something different or be someone special. I'm scared that I don't have a DD and it's just my overactive imagination I've always had. I wish that my T wasn't so insistent that DID is sooooo rare that none of her clients could possibly have. She won't even consider the idea. But now that I'm getting comfortable with it possibly could be DDNOS I'm not so worried that she's not accepting as much as maybe I really don't fit the DID criteria and have DDNOS. Or maybe it's all in my head and just want a name for something that's not even there.

Thank you anyone who takes time to read my wall o'text which feels like it's mostly babbling. I think I'll be okay driving I just worry that there could be something else for me to do to ensure a safe trip without my step-dad giving me weird looks. I still want to buckle up my stuffed bunny I sleep with so I'm not alone but I know when he sees me at McDonalds he's going to give a look and say "oooookay". And I'll reply "What? Doesn't everyone take a stuffed rabbit with them to the city?" And he'll just shake his head and laugh at me. Any advice anybody. It's 8:40 now and I'll be leaving at . .. 10 I think. . . It takes about an hour and fifteen minutes to get to mcdonalds and about twenty minutes to get to my T's from McDonalds. . .that'll give me plenty of time since my appointment's at one and I can be there early and just draw or color while I wait. Depending on how I'm feeling. I just hope that hidden scared little person that was trying to come out Saturday doesn't decide to drive it's a toddler whatever it is. THAT would be scary lolz.