I'm feeling confused and nervous about my dissociation. I don't fit into the pattern of the typical DID patient who loses time. I don't lose time per se . . .i never "wake up" not knowing where i am, or not knowing what i did during the day. I also don't have alters that have names and i don't hear voices.

However, I am very forgetful. I can get so caught up in my head thinking about things that i can lose track of how much time has gone by. I am not very aware of my physical surroundings, and i also have alot of trouble figuring out how i feel about things. I can feel inside that i have different "parts" of myself that think and feel differently, which makes me appear wishy-washy because i often can't figure out how i "really" feel.

I have a very distinct childlike part of my personality, which is very different from the competent, adult way i present myself in my daily life. I was not aware that i had a wounded child part of me until after i had my breakdown. Now, i am very aware of it, but feel ashamed and try to hide this child part of me at all costs so nobody will know i have it. I am really good at hiding it, and usually the only time the child part of my personality slips out is if i get triggered in some way that reminds me of my past childhood traumas, or if i become under great stress. Because of this, nobody would guess i have dissociative problems. Only my husband and my t have seen me in my dissociated child state. (I also have other child and adult states, but the hurt vulnerable child state is the second-most prominant after my normal adult self).

My t has told me that i definitely have a problem with dissociation, but i took a test awhile back that seemed to indicate that i was only about halfway along the continuum between a non-dissociative person and somebody with DID. Because of this, i do not think i have the DID diagnosis. However, the more my t talks to me about allowing my feelings to come out -- and the more i loosen my iron grip and start expressing things -- the more it appears that i do indeed often think and feel as a child would. Not only that, but i often find myself saying things to my t (or emailing them) when i get into that child-type state that i later feel very surprised that i said and feel ashamed of. . .things that i would never say, or even feel, when i am in my regular adult mode. They truly do feel like different "parts" of me, even though i know they are all me.

Some time back, my t told me that she had listened to the voice messages i've left her over time. She said that it was very clear to her that i talked in two very different voices. Also, she told me yesterday that when i email her from my child-like state, she can tell because i make spelling or grammatical errors that i do not make any other time. She told me that i (adult me) should try to help (child) me with her grammar and spelling. She has been continually asking me to pay attention more to the parts of me and try to find out what they need rather than trying so hard to deny them or shut them up.

What's scaring me is the more my t talks this way, the more i think maybe i do actually have DID. Regarding the child-like emails with the errors in them, i would say that i "am" aware when i send her those emails and i also usually know that have errors in them. But it is like the child part of me is up front in the driver's seat, and for some reason i seem unable to correct the errors before i hit SEND. Somehow it feels wrong to me to correct the emails because it is the child trying to say things, and if the adult steps in and "fixes" the message, then it is really a message from the adult and not the child. Which makes the child feel like her way of communicating is bad or wrong. So it is like the adult me is watching and aware that the child is sending a message, but the message is not from the adult. Often, the adult part of me disagrees with what the child is saying and feels differently, but again, i let it happen because i can feel the child wanting and needing so badly to be heard.

I do not seem able to make the child show up. I can't will her to be present. I can't always feel that she is there when my t wants to speak to her. She shows up on her own, and i seem not able to control that. However, if she shows up, i can usually use sheer force of will to deny or push her out of awareness if i am in a situation where allowing her to surface would compromise my standing with others. On the few occasions when she shows up and is extremely upset -- and i can't control the outcome -- (usually when i've been triggered regarding past trauma), then i suddenly behave with all the intensity of a traumatized child, sobbing so hard i can barely breathe, losing my awareness of the present, and with no knowledge at all that there even is an adult part of me that i can turn to for help. Only my t and my husband have seen this -- and one time my in-laws saw it. My h has told me it was scary. My in-laws were totally shocked as they had never seen me that way and did not know what to do to help me.

So. . .I don't know what i'm trying to say here. I guess i just feel like i'm groping around trying to find some definite answer as to whether i have DID or not. . .or to what degree i am dissociative. Does it sound like DID? Is what i am describing very different from the way folks with DID experience their parts/alters? Or do i sound just a little bit dissociative -- but pretty much normal -- and not where it is a problem?

I guess i know in my heart that something about this is not normal. And my t and i do talk about my "parts" alot. But sometimes, i get scared about it all. And at those times, i start fishing around for proof that maybe i'm not dissociative at all and that maybe it only "seems" that way.

Can anybody help shed some light on this?