Hi Alex,
You wrote, " am sick of teaching people, i want to learn myself, but who has that knowledge." I find this to be your biggest obstacle. What happens to many of us is we have so much knowledge in our brain and can figure things out logically. However, when it comes to emotions and sense of self/being----we have a hard time sticking it out because it is something that is "FELT" and it represents our "core self"-----the self that is buried underneath the knowledge---the knowledge we hide behind to avoid getting closer to the self.
I wonder if you would just take a risk to "look" into yourself rather than look outward to books, etc....might you find some relief?
You definitely are the only one who has the knowledge to help yourself...give it a try! HUGS!!
Yellowrose