white_iris,
Thank you for you poignant reply...your honesty is very much appreciated, very much. Yes, your reply was eloquent.
Length is never a reason to apologize for a post.

Just my own experience, but when I stopped hiding what was horrific in my childhood, and let go of the secrets...it's when I really took a giant step in healing; it may have been a shaky step but it was a step.
After the anger came the grief, i can't even touch the anger--not ok to be angry with anyone never mind show it. that *good old voice* saying "And what do YOU have to be angry about???" the no show of any emotion--anger is one that we have learned to stuff very well---used to come out in purging one way or another--now that is so forbiden that it just sits there and rots...
an overwhelming sense of loss, and it devastated me. Keeping the secrets was familiar, no matter how uncomfortable it was in doing it...bringing them out into the open forced me to look at things, really look at those years...and it took three days of vomiting before I could continue with T's help. have looked at my past life with no emotion--i so fear that attaching emotions with the incidents will really put me over the edge. but holding onto this deep deep pain sure isn't working....

This was all right. It was a momentous acknowledgment on my part...and there was no way that I could sugar coat it for anyone's consumption, including my own. i so commend you on this step. perhaps, just maybe i will be able to let the wall down and verbalize and really feel what the inside parts of me feel and have expressed....

Standing with you, in spirit...wishing it could be in person. i wish it could be too.
Cry, white_iris, you have every right to cry

In Peace