Catherine... you sure do think a lot. It's hard to keep up.

I'm sorry for what you went through in that small cabin.... I can't begin to know how that feels.
There are differences, and there are different levels. However there are certain commonalities in the way that we feel... that's the common denominator. That's how we relate. That's how we understand things about each other that other people can't.

white_iris,
It's not a competition. It's about sharing stuff. When you share your stuff it doesn't just help you. It helps everybody reading the thread. You don't do it for you. You do it for us. Maybe you'll write something that sparks something in someone else. Maybe somebody will come back with a different perspective on your situation. If nobody talks then nobody goes anywhere.


OK now... Where was I
Responding to Catherine's response to me. That would be 13 posts back.

Math class

I'm no expert = (jmo) don'tcha think?

Sometimes I see jmo and I think: Why did you put that in there? You know darn well what you're saying is right.
I think we both use qualifiers to temper our statements. What if I'm saying something they don't want to hear, or are not ready to hear yet? “I'm no expert or (jmo)” gives the person an option, the statement is not set in stone, I have the freedom to take the advice or leave it. No hard feelings.
And yes we are all the same, just in different ways. I see people talking on other forums and just by their words I can see “You've got it too”

Some of my stuff:
I could never let myself get too happy, because when I snapped back I got more scared and then I'd have to work hard to settle myself down again, it hurt so much. When I was in my teens, if I laughed too hard I would start shaking, I hated the tremors so much. I got them down so tight that if you didn't touch me you wouldn't even know. I learned to keep my jaw tight so my mouth wouldn't quiver. That doesn't work very well for conversation. I knew that people could see the fear in my eyes if I let them make contact so I learned to look down. When you look down all the time, people start looking down on you, it's human nature. Just like little building blocks, building my own little wall to try to hide behind, until I was securely trapped inside.
The original trauma eventually got lost inside somewhere. Too many things stacked on top. At the end of it all I was so much less than I was before it happened. How could I not get down on myself? How could I not feel unworthy? How could I not hate the person I had become? How could I not hate the person that I was before. He was so much more than I could ever dream of being.

I don't have any blame or guilt attached to my trauma. I did everything I was supposed to do. Except for the colour of the gun. I thought: If they're going to make me say that I saw a gun, I'm going to say it 's black, even though they told me it was chrome.
After the fact, there were so many things that I could have and should have done, but couldn't because I was just too scared. I hated that diminished person that I had become, because he wouldn't let me be me. Then I couldn't remember what me was. Then I gradually gave in, I thought : Well if this is it then I will just have to make do the best that I can with what I've got. Learned to be different, learned to be less. Then about three years ago KABOOM. Guess who's back? Don't ask me how, something happened inside. It was more emotion than I could handle. It was all about guilt of the diminished me. If I had only!!!!! (long story). Then three of the most emotional months I've ever known. Fighting the enemy within kind of stuff, and winning!

I was a victim
I was a survivor
Now I'm a thriver
I'm even an achiever