Hi! This is my first post!
I figure I should dive right in.

I have found that I'm the sort of person who keeps others at arms' length. I set myself up for crashing in terms of relationships and friendships. I never try to hurt anyone, but it's the repeating pattern. I am terrified of feeling vulnerable, and that would be why I'm keeping others at arms' length. I'm afraid I'm not good enough, not smart enough, not really a worthwhile or worthy person.
I hate being stereotypical, but I'm in my later 20's and I only recently got out from under my parents' thumbs. They controlled things; there was do defying them without paying emotionally for physically. I think they did the best they could, but now I'm like a kid whose mom has left her to figure out on her own how to play fair in the sandbox. And I'm failing terribly. I look for my sense of self-worth in others. And it hurts when, after all has been said or done, I'm rejected. And it hurts when I'm accused of deliberately trying to hurt people. And it hurts when my sense of self worth was given to these people.

These same people say that being depressed or otherwise is no excuse for being terrible, that we ultimately decide how we will react, and I do agree, but at the same time, I really really don't know how I'm supposed to act approriately if have no point of reference to draw on in the first place...

I try, I try so hard to learn from my interactions, but between the anxiety, and the social idiocy, and the depression, I just don't know anymore. I dont know where to start, what to do, how to proceed.

I'm on medications, yes, and I do see a psych.
But I guess most of all I'm wishing I could take back the pain I caused so many others because of my idiocy.