Quote:
Originally Posted by white_iris
i can't even touch the anger--not ok to be angry with anyone never mind show it. that *good old voice* saying "And what do YOU have to be angry about???" the no show of any emotion--anger is one that we have learned to stuff very well---used to come out in purging one way or another--now that is so forbiden that it just sits there and rots...
have looked at my past life with no emotion--i so fear that attaching emotions with the incidents will really put me over the edge. but holding onto this deep deep pain sure isn't working....
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Sits there and rots...what an apt description!
I've made this analogy before but perhaps it bears repeating.
"I felt that I was clinging to a rock that was in the middle of a raging river.
I knew if I tried to go backwards that I would be swept away into something unspeakable/unbearable. If I grabbed the life lines thrown to me by my T and others concerned about me, I feared what was on the other side."
Taking those lines gave me a 50-50 chance; ignoring them was a given there would be no decent ending...I would drown in my rotting feelings and my inertia.
I wanted that chance. Was it difficult? Yes! Was I thrown into a different kind of morass of feelings? Oh yeah. Did I fall apart and feel overwhelmed by all of it? Yep.
Coming out of that starting point left me feeling raw, but also lighter. Doing it had given me, not necessarily a clean slate, but one I could build on...
Purging is a truth, white_iris.
It's hurling a boatload of poisonous feelings that need flushed from our minds.
But--you are aware of it.
That you fear doing so is not proof of any weakness; the opposite is true. You know it's going to be a ragged experience that's going to take courage...
Courage is something you already have, and you are learning to use it.
Lots of lifelines coming to you, lots!
In Peace