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Old Sep 04, 2009, 12:39 AM
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Catherine2 Catherine2 is offline
Poohbah
 
Member Since: Apr 2009
Location: In The Moon Shine
Posts: 1,306
Quote:
Originally Posted by white_iris View Post
i can't even touch the anger--not ok to be angry with anyone never mind show it. that *good old voice* saying "And what do YOU have to be angry about???" the no show of any emotion--anger is one that we have learned to stuff very well---used to come out in purging one way or another--now that is so forbiden that it just sits there and rots...

have looked at my past life with no emotion--i so fear that attaching emotions with the incidents will really put me over the edge. but holding onto this deep deep pain sure isn't working....
Sits there and rots...what an apt description!
I've made this analogy before but perhaps it bears repeating.
"I felt that I was clinging to a rock that was in the middle of a raging river.
I knew if I tried to go backwards that I would be swept away into something unspeakable/unbearable. If I grabbed the life lines thrown to me by my T and others concerned about me, I feared what was on the other side."
Taking those lines gave me a 50-50 chance; ignoring them was a given there would be no decent ending...I would drown in my rotting feelings and my inertia.

I wanted that chance. Was it difficult? Yes! Was I thrown into a different kind of morass of feelings? Oh yeah. Did I fall apart and feel overwhelmed by all of it? Yep.
Coming out of that starting point left me feeling raw, but also lighter. Doing it had given me, not necessarily a clean slate, but one I could build on...

Purging is a truth, white_iris.
It's hurling a boatload of poisonous feelings that need flushed from our minds.
But--you are aware of it.
That you fear doing so is not proof of any weakness; the opposite is true. You know it's going to be a ragged experience that's going to take courage...
Courage is something you already have, and you are learning to use it.

Lots of lifelines coming to you, lots!

In Peace
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The Most Dangerous Enemy Is The One In Your Head Telling You What You Do and Don't Deserve...
Thanks for this!
phoenix7