((((Berries))))

My dear friend. I am so sorry you are feeling so low. I know that things can come and overwhelm us at times and feel like an eternity. But it will not last forever. I know that it is easy for us to tell you that but you are the one walking this and it seems like it will last forever.

I know that I have been and still am walking in a place that seems like it will never end, but I know that if I keep taking one second at a time, reaching for the next step and putting one foot in front of the other. If I keep breathing and I keep coming here and posting and lettng my friends help me through this, the storm will pass.

In the midst of it all we sometimes cannot see the positives, for the negatives blow up like a huge balloon blocking out the rays of light. For me, I made 2 books. One for writing all my feelings, thoughts, memories, and emotions down so that I could get them out and also I can later go back and see where I was to where I have come to.

Then I made a book of positives. Writing from the little things to things that are happening as I walk through this place. On the days when it is so bad that I cannot see positives, I go to the positive book and I write the date and the time that I am there. Though I cannot write any positive in at that moment, I can read what is written, and I can also when I am feeling better know that I went to read or at least was able to open the book.

As I am moving through this place that is very dark and scary----I can know that there are good things that are there. In all things that happen, there is a good to it. I know it is not easy to see as it doesn't feel that way. But we made it through the trauma----we can make it through the memory.

Believe me, I could not say that a year ago, but as I look back, I can see where I was and where I am today. There is a reason why I am still here. There is something I am suppose to do and I have not done it yet. And I may not see it until I have already done it.

So many times I have gone to my t and he says I am under more stress than anyone shuld have to have. If I can bring down the level from a 12 to an 8, or even a 10----I have accomplished something. I listen to music and breath and sometimes it takes a while but I do calm down.

Ending your life is not the answer. You deserve to live and you are too valuable and worthly to not. Do not let your past pull you under for it has already held you for too long. I know life is not easy, and so many times it seems like when we are kicked down, when we get back up it kicks us down again. But someone told me when life knocks you down 7 times, you get back up 8 times.

I do hope you will talk with your doc and tell him everything you are feeling. Sorry you cannot see t until next week. Staying in the presence is strength. Living in the past pulls us down. I know you can do this, and we are here to help by listening , supporting, and encouraging you.

I know how heavy that brick wall can be. But even brick walls have flaws and can be broken down. It takes time and chipping away a little every day. But it is possible. Everytime you come here and post, you are chipping away that wall. Opening up and sharing chips a little more. Until before long you will be out from under that wall.

I know the feelings you are feeling, and I know how loud they can scream above anything else. But listen and we will scream with you for those feelings to go away. Depression grips us tight until sometimes we feel as though we are suffocating. It grabs at any time, any moment, anyone.

But we can defeat it by reaching out and giving voice to what is going on. If we keep reaching, it will lose its grip. We will walk this path together my friend. You are not alone. Hang on and reach out and take my hand....................................................................................

I will walk with you until you can stand on your own. I do care and I do not want you to end your life. I have been there and I know it is scary and hard. But you are worth the fight. Please keep us posted on how you are doing. You can pm me if you would like to.

Know I care very much. And I am sitting quietly with you. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts.

dps