Catherine... you sure do think a lot. It's hard to keep up.

sometimes when I am admiring the daisies in the backfield while the game is being played, I do come up with some weird questions...

I'm sorry for what you went through in that small cabin.... I can't begin to know how that feels.
There are differences, and there are different levels. However there are certain commonalities in the way that we feel... that's the common denominator. That's how we relate. That's how we understand things about each other that other people can't.
True! Common denominator...the realization of this is something I wish I could give to everyone.

white_iris,
It's not a competition. It's about sharing stuff. When you share your stuff it doesn't just help you. It helps everybody reading the thread. You don't do it for you. You do it for us. Maybe you'll write something that sparks something in someone else. Maybe somebody will come back with a different perspective on your situation. If nobody talks then nobody goes anywhere.

Strength in numbers...
We share, we listen, we learn
Those who post, those who reply, those who read only.
Each and everyone of us gains a bit of knowledge we can use to help us on our journey...it may not be recognized or accepted until later, but it adds more tools for us to use nonetheless.

I'm no expert = (jmo) don'tcha think?

Sometimes I see jmo and I think: Why did you put that in there? You know darn well what you're saying is right.
Honestly? I've gotten some flack about some of my statements/opinions. The fact that I am sharing my experiences, personal and professional, seems to challenge others...my use of jmo/jme sometimes deflects the criticisms.
I think we both use qualifiers to temper our statements. What if I'm saying something they don't want to hear, or are not ready to hear yet? “I'm no expert or (jmo)” gives the person an option, the statement is not set in stone, I have the freedom to take the advice or leave it. No hard feelings.
Absolutely, Bruce. Take what you need and leave the rest--timing. At any one time, we are ready for certain thoughts, others will have to wait their turn. We observe and absorb, PRN.
And yes we are all the same, just in different ways. I see people talking on other forums and just by their words I can see “You've got it too”
A silent and sincere cheer goes straight from my heart when this happens.
Some of my stuff:
I could never let myself get too happy, because when I snapped back I got more scared and then I'd have to work hard to settle myself down again, it hurt so much. When I was in my teens, if I laughed too hard I would start shaking, I hated the tremors so much. I got them down so tight that if you didn't touch me you wouldn't even know. I learned to keep my jaw tight so my mouth wouldn't quiver. That doesn't work very well for conversation. I knew that people could see the fear in my eyes if I let them make contact so I learned to look down.

When you look down all the time, people start looking down on you, it's human nature.
Whoa, grand way of putting it! Much better than my "they can smell your fear and will conquer you."
Just like little building blocks, building my own little wall to try to hide behind, until I was securely trapped inside.
So often we do forget that those walls not only keep others out, but they also trap us. Double trouble, double the work.
The original trauma eventually got lost inside somewhere. Too many things stacked on top. At the end of it all I was so much less than I was before it happened. How could I not get down on myself? How could I not feel unworthy? How could I not hate the person I had become? How could I not hate the person that I was before. He was so much more than I could ever dream of being.
Is this a polite way of saying that we sometimes end up feeding the original trauma? If so...yeah I agree.
It Is Not Meant As A Judgment...jme
I fed mine because I didn't know any better. How could I?
It's not floating on that damn river in Egypt, either. It's a layering of defenses in order to survive. In many ways, yes, my self hatred was as much from the trauma as from the way I handled my early recovery...the old perfectionist crap. The demands I made on myself would not have been met by any saint, prophet, or wise man/wise woman.

I don't have any blame or guilt attached to my trauma. I did everything I was supposed to do. Except for the colour of the gun. I thought: If they're going to make me say that I saw a gun, I'm going to say it 's black, even though they told me it was chrome.
After the fact, there were so many things that I could have and should have done, but couldn't because I was just too scared. I hated that diminished person that I had become, because he wouldn't let me be me. Then I couldn't remember what me was. Then I gradually gave in, I thought : Well if this is it then I will just have to make do the best that I can with what I've got.
Learned to be different, learned to be less.
Bruce, there is so much truth to this statement! So many of us think different==less/bad/undesirable. Instead of respecting our uniqueness, we ignore it or belittle it.
Then about three years ago KABOOM. Guess who's back? Don't ask me how, something happened inside. It was more emotion than I could handle. It was all about guilt of the diminished me. If I had only!!!!! (long story). Then three of the most emotional months I've ever known. Fighting the enemy within kind of stuff, and winning!
It does happen! You can be our Poster Man for the recovery- can-happen-club...and there is no joke in saying that to you, Bruce.
One of my beliefs is that the teacher will appear when the student is ready...not to say that the teacher is always recognized; seldom are they seen as teachers, sometimes we learn only when they have moved on.
My point is somewhere, somehow we become willing to give it a go. Stay in misery and fear, step out no matter how itty-bitty that step may be...it's the act of stepping out, making that choice, that is so very important.
We don't stay in misery from self flagellation, it takes energy and desire...and willingness.
Willing to give it a go, seventy times if necessary.
Fall and crawl...

I was a victim
I was a survivor
Now I'm a thriver
I'm even an achiever