I am really in a bad way right now. My appointment with the (new) therapist is July 6. The psych appointment is at the end of July.

It's like I have pretended for so long, (to my family, to my young sons, my daughters) that I'm OK and now that I've admitted that I'm NOT OK, I have run out of resources to deal with life. I'm crying. I'm overreacting. I'm afraid of all the huge emotions that I have kept bottled up and under wraps for years. I'm afraid that I wont be able to handle the fall out when they erupt. I'm afraid that I wont be able to control when and how they erupt, and I don't want to negatively influence my kids, especially my sons, who are 8 and 10.

I have asked my Mom to take my sons, (my daughters are grown) next week so I can get some time away, some time to really think about what I need to get out of therapy, some time .... to pull into myself, which is what I feel the need to do. I haven't had time away from my sons for a few years. I'm burnt out.

I just feel very, very vulnerable. And very, very alone. No one knows what goes on with me. I tell no one. I have nobody to tell, it would just worry others, and I don't want to burden them with me.

Thanks for listening,
Jan