You know, I think that sometimes a controlling, negative person can sneak into your life and before you know it you have a commitment to them and the relationship just takes on a life of it’s own. I was in a relationship with that type of guy for 7 and ½ years and he slowly took control of me by sucking out all of my self-esteem by constantly putting me down. He made me dependant on him by keeping me isolated from other people so that the only truth that existed was the version that he told me.

Now, I see that I was just a pawn in his game but, while it was happening, I did not realize that he was manipulating me so much. But, then, and this is really sorta embarrassing, but when I decided I wanted out of the relationship because he really was not good for me, I stayed in the relationship for almost 2 more years because I felt sorry for him and I was afraid to hurt his feelings. He made me feel like I was responsible for him and for making him happy. I felt like I owed it to him because of how much he had “helped” me over the years.

Up until him, I had never, ever allowed a partner to treat me with disrespect or hurt me. I would kick anybody to curb at the first sign of meanness or controlling behavior or anything negative. I’m still not really sure how that man was able to weasel his way so far into my life without me being aware of what he was doing to me. I feel like a real idiot for falling for his lies and being taken advantage of for 7 and ½ years.

November 28, 2008 was my day of freedom. I changed the locks on my doors. I took off his ring and replaced it with a really special gold ring that I bought for myself. I also bought a couple pair of baggy levis and new tennis shoes and I walked or, more like I strutted around town letting my underwear show and knowing that it would tick him off to see me dressed like that.

Right now, I have on my leather bracelet that I had made for me on my day of freedom. It has the date of November 28, 2008 and the word “accept” in gold lettering because that was the day that I accepted myself as good enough just as I was and I gave myself permission to just be me. And, you know, while I was writing this post, I realized that I missed myself over those years. I enjoy being around myself because I am an interesting person and truly like myself. Dang, I want those 7 & ½ years of my life back.