(((((((((((((((((Rainbowzz))))))))))))))))) That's so hard and I'm so sorry. Have you tried journaling? When I take the time to journal, it helps my head get stuff out that is bottled up. I learn stuff and it has like a bucket dumping effect, which is helpful for me. Maybe you can try to write down what you hear inside?

Please take gentle care. We are here if you need a shoulder. Please keep us posted.