Thanks, Lynn.

If I knew where to get one, I think I'd quite like to have one on show in my flat! Maybe I could get someone to make a fake one for now... Hmm

I guess you could say my story is courageous because of the reasons you gave above.. But still.. I don't think it's courageous because of the way I've handled things, you know... Using SI to cope and ED and stuff... Giving up a few times before.. Idk.

I was very ill last night, for reasons I don't know of I got up to my flat, flopped out on my bed hoping to sleep, with my music playing softly in the background to lull me into a peaceful slumber, when I felt a tightening in my stomach. I rushed to the bathroom and spilled my guts up, so all I ate yesterday came up with it. What a waste of time.

Now, reading what I read on another forum to me just now has really hit a nerve and the ED voice is telling me that it'#s bulls--t and that I will be happy when I'm the weight I want to be. I don't hate the person who said what she did to me, but a part of me wants to punch the crap out of everyone telling me all these things. I know it already, I really do, but it's MY choice to make and some people just don't want tolet me make that choice, I'm not talking about people here. I just feel so torn

I want to do what I know is right for me, for everyone in my life, even those who have died... Like my Foster Dad. I always promised I'd forever be his little Princess and make him proud, but I'm just letting him down.. So, so much It hurts, but no matter what I do, say, think... I just can't hold onto recovery.. I keep letting go and I don't get why