ACanthy, it was for an external reason. It was a get-together with friends. I don't have the internal reserves to just be super happy for no reason.

(((((Alaskan)))) (((((Berries)))) (((((Lost))))) ((((((Anyone I forgot?)))))

Rohag, yes, you found the right thread. I didn't have the energy to look for it. The good for me is generally found when I feel loved in the company of friends. And it's a good distraction. Books are good. TV sometimes, too, when I can't read do due to concentration problems. But I tend to have evenings to myself, with friends very busy most of the time. I am trying to figure out what to do with my evenings this winter so I'm not isolated, but not imposing on friends, either. I don't know what to do. I'm not sure how to remove the trigger relationship with the good, as you put it. I feel so empty, so lonely, so lost when the good is over. I had anxiety dreams last night and couldn't sleep. The not sleeping part is bad because I'm sick, but I didn't think to take sleeping meds because I thought being sick had tired me out enough to sleep. It was too late in the night (early in the morning?) by the time I realized I wasn't going to sleep well on my own. I had to get up for work for an hour (and go back again in a little while). I tried to take a nap, but again, no sleep. I read some, and that helped. But I'm too tired now to think of doing anything productive or helpful. The only thing that sounded helpful was to come on here and check in.

I really appreciate people caring, even if all they have to offer is hugs. Thanks. It eases things a tiny bit, which is something.