you're brave for posting here, darling .

i've never got one done, even though i should have by now. i never had one done before the attack, and then i got too scared about after.

asking your dr for a sedative is a good idea, if you think it will help you through. i dont have addiction issues, but my dr only prescribes me 7 at a time so he can monitor how much i'm taking. i think he's scared that i'd try to overdose. so maybe you could ask your dr to only authorise you for 2 or 3. sometimes drs even have some samples, and that way you wouldn't get more than you need.

i dont think you have anything to feel shame about. a lot of women go through the same stuff after an attack. a lot of women (like me!) even are too scared to go when they've never been hurt. so there is nothing wrong with you.

i like lost's idea of calling a helpline. in australia, we have a rape crisis centre and they do phone counselling but you can also go to their premises and they will do the medical tests for you. they provide counsellors before and after the procedure, because they know it can be scary. maybe there is something similar for you in scotland?

im concerned that you're seeming to shut yourself away from the outside world and are scared to do the every day things. were you ever offered counselling to get through what happened to you? i would encourage you to seek out a therapist if you could, because i dont want it to get to the point where you're too scared to leave your house, yknow? you deserve a better quality of life than that .