I don't know why I struggle with this so much. It's a constant theme, and I don't know how to get past it. I think that this probably underlies most if not all of my issues. It's so big, that all I can really do is point to various instances of it, but I don't think I can get to the root of it.

The last couple of weeks when I was travelling and attending conferences, I kept feeling unentitled. The first week was an optional conference, and the deal was that work paid for the conference fee and meals, and let me take one of their vehicles, but I was on my own for lodging. Hubby had a card for one free night at a pretty nice hotel on a frequent stay program, so I used that. I saved one night by not driving out there until early in the morning, so the first day I was tired from driving for 4 hours on 4 hours of sleep and going straight to class. The last night I was planning to just sleep in the van, but hubby said I couldn't do that and should move to a cheap motel. I was lazy, and stayed where I was, which was more money. And then I felt unentitled and decided to make up for it by not buying any more meals. The only time I went out to eat was when I had someone to go with. I didn't starve - the hotel provided breakfast and there were snacks at the conference - I guess the presenters thought that would help us stay awake.

The next week I was at another conference, for the whole week, and I just decided that it wasn't worth going out and getting dinner by myself, so the two times that I had dinner were when someone else from the conference asked me to join them.

T refers to this as eating disorder behaviors, but I don't think that's it. It's more about that I don't feel like I'm worth it. I also feel like I'm not worth taking up space, so I wish that I could lose 30 pounds because I'm taking up more space than I deserve.

I also really resist when I'm asked about any kind of self-care, or particularly if she suggests rewarding myself for progress. That sends a wall right up. Not only do I not deserve a reward, I don't feel like I even deserve the progress. I can't deal with that at all.

I don't expect people from my past to remember me - can't think of any reason why they should. I'm supposed to be figuring out who I am, and after all the I don't knows, that question keeps coming back to that whatever I want to be or however I try to define myself, I don't measure up. I feel like I'm not good enough.

I don't feel like I even deserve to have self-esteem.

Why do I keep staying stuck in these patterns, and what can I do about it? Is anyone else having the same problem? Have any of you found the way out?