hello and thankyou for reading
I am depressed and feel the guilt loaded on me by my irrational thinking and how i think others must think of me.
I am in a job where i have to put on an act of being happy at all times and it is really hard to do this right now.
All i want is to be left alone and to have a break,not work, i take random days off but then have to work as i know i cant get away with it for much longer.
I cant just stop working as i have 2 houses to pay for and teenagers to look after on my own.one house is rented as i couldnt sell it.the pressure from having to be a landlord is awful.
cant face tidying up my house,or sorting out my bills,garden.
Just sit on my days off feeling the release of work till i have to go back.
I sit wishing i could be healthy,i am overweight,no excercise,smoke,addicted to pain killers,just been put on medication for high blood pressure,had my depression tablets upped,im on venlafaxine 75 and i am to go up to 150 in two weeks.
on antibiotics for reccuring dental pain,have to have teeth out and root
canal on thursday and i am petrified of dentists,have had on going pain since march and dont trust that the dentist will be able to do it without complications.have had terrible time 2 years ago with the dentist.
At work my boss is pretending to be supportive but i know that he is thinking that if i am off then i aint making money for the salon and so the pressure to keep working is awful.
I believe there are people who have a lucky and up beat passionate live,but i am tarred with a brush that makes me have to scrimp and work and have no reward as that is all my life has been for years.
All in all life is crap!!
Keep thinking about the positive times but there arent any.
I fantasise about living a life where i am energised, passionate,healthy,fullfilled,and want to be in the rat race but then i remember i have never been good enough to experience it like that.
thanks for listening