Berries, I find that one of the things that makes it so hard for me to stay on the meds is that I have a hard time clearly remembering how I felt when I was under a mainic or a depresssive period. I remember what I did and I remember some of my reasoning but NOT the powerfull mood influences. I just sit wondering "Why the H!"# did I do something so idiotic? No way could I be so weak/stupid/ overemotional to do that, never again! All I have to do is toughen up." This makes it easy for the little voices to convince me either a) I really can control this and really don't need the drugs, or b) I must be some kind of unforgivable wuss to act this way, and since I should be able to handle it, ergo I am in control of what I do, ergo I am a horrible, sensationalist person, ergo any amount of suffering is justified.

Took me a long time to realise that this was both the mania and the depression trying to keep me as dysfunctional as possible. Berries, I don't know why we have this, why for example it was just me and my cousin in our generation, or why things have to be so hard. But I know this. You are a far stronger person than you think, otherwise you wouldn't still be here. You are worth precisely what every other person is worth and that is at the very least care and affection from yourself. This means that you are worth taking your meds.
I hope you feel better soon. Sorry for the rant.