Forgot, to the question about the near death. I was talking many events where I was about two misplaced seconds from not being here. The 2 events that stands out in my mind as the most violent and probably ones that most defines my fear of premature death was when I was about 13 and 3.

At age 13 in one of many regular violent events at my home it started with a suspect (details on who too long to explain) trying to beat down my door when us kids were home alone then get in through a window, finally try to shoot us through the windows. I was chosen to crawl on the floor and turn out the lights. We called 911 but they said we were pranking. Fastforward to later when the person poored gas around the house opened propane tanks and began trying to light matches from a box to take us all with him while my mom (then home) tried to shoot him and I (listening to orders) scrambled in a panic of crying and screaming to climb out a back window too small to fit but knowing if I didn't escape the house we would all burn to death. I remember being bruised and cut on the knees and giving up on the window and huddling alone with my best friend in the middle of my room crying and praying thinking we only had until the next match while everybody was screaming. I just got so afraid of dying before I was ready that obsessive safety has become kind of a problem with me.

At age 3 during my growing up in the mountains I was playing outside with my little brother who was like 2 at the time just a toddler. (yes we were alone outside at that age) We were playing in the grass at the fence when I saw eyes in the bushes. I saw a huge cat and grabbed my brother and told him to move with me but it was too late. A bobcat tore through the fence missing me and snatched my brother. It started ripping him apart in the grass in front of me and eating him and I started screaming. I remember running to the house but crying and stuttering so badly all I could do was point out the living room window. Fast forward the cat was scared off but my dad firing his gun into the air and my brother survived but both he and I developed identical phobias of deep woods and to this day as adults will not go outside the house or go outside our cars at night there at our old house. We used to actually get left to sleep in the car at night as kids because we would become hysterical if we had to walk from the drive to the house at night or be chosen to close the gate to the property at night.

Those are just a few. I grew up in a very violent household and I think because of my early isolation it caused me to take the behavior I saw as the behavior that must be true for all people and lead me to fear socializing for fear of people's negative possibilities.