How horrible it is to feel this way to not be ablt to be close to others. I dnt know if this feeling of disgust in the pit of my stomach is from self loathing. It very well may be. I see someone trying to get close to me and I am allowing them too but I emotionally cannot get close to them right now. And the one I really want doesn't want me. He's never asked so it must be. And that makes me feel unlovely. This is horrible I can't go on like this. I have to end it with the one. I like him but it just won't work I just can't get close I feel so far away I feel so closed and dark. A shell of myself and I watch my body go throught the motions. And in the end everyone will get hurt and I will feel worse than ever before.