I had my appointment today with the t I have been SO excited to see. She specializes in DID patients so I was really looking forward to seeing her, especially when she said she didn't want to get rid of my "alters". So anyways back on topic... My appointment was today at 2.

The office was BEAUTIFUL. A 3 story yellow colonial "mansion" on the corner of 2 roads. One of the roads is Weber rd... Kinda funny since one of my close friends is a Webber

Anyways, so I go in there with Alyssa and the t and I start talking. She starts by asking me all of the things that I was diagnosed with. I told her bipolar 1, schizophrenia and DID. I don't think I have the others any more so why mention it?

She told me that people with bipolar do NOT have schizophrenia and the same way around. At least no one she has ever met in her 25 years of practice. She said she would look more into it to see if I did have both or if I only had one of the two and which one if only one...

She than went on to "orientation" telling me her rules. She said she will never lie to me, never critisize me and never talk down to me. I have a set time and day to see her. Every Monday from now on at 1. She also said she hardly ever takes vacation and also hardly ever gets sick. But if it's snowing horrible she will have to call all of her patients that day and tell them she wont go in. But if we feel we still need to talk to her she will have phone sessions with us on the "snow days".

After orientation she started asking me about my previous experience with t's and about my experience with DID. She asked me what I thought DID was, what it meant to me and I told her, honestly. Than she told me that ALL she ever saw were patients with DID, schizophrenia, bipolar and severe depression because they are the ones she finds interesting, everyone else is dull basically . She asked about the doctors who wanted to get rid of my "alters" and I explained it to her more.

She asked if I knew what integration was and I told her yes and she said that she didn't believe it was the best form of therapy for everyone! She said that if I never wanted to integrate she would never try to convince me to. That it's ok and perfectly fine to keep the alters for your entire life!!!

She than said how sometimes when she's in pain she wishes she had DID so that she can escape the pain . She told me as well that she doesn't think that ANY alters are bad. She would never try to get ANY of the alters to leave, she would just try to work with them to make them happy!!! She was talking to my alters saying that she knew they were probably listening and there with me but not out. She was saying how she would never do anything to betray their trust and would like to meet them one day!!! She also kept asking to make sure that I was myself and asked what I would like to be called . After I explained what I wanted from her and where I was with the DID she told me her plans.

She said basically right now when they come out I am locked in a room, no windows, no doors, no light. Just me in complete darkness. What she wants to do is build doors and windows. She wants us to be able to co exist and work as a team! She wants us all to be team players and work together to take care of the body and make eachother happy!

So... Not only does this t not want me to get rid of the alts, she also wants me to be able to co exist (which she thinks we will be able to have perfected within 4 months) she wants to help me AND my alts, wants to help us work together as a team and is just everything I wanted in a t. Everything I was searching for!!! Wonderful right???

Wrong. I've never had anything this perfect before. Never once had anything go the exact way I wanted it to or even close. She is too perfect to be real. She has to be lieing through her teeth right now! I don't know why I can't accept the fact that she is exactly what I was looking for. I don't know why I can't trust her and why I am so nervous to go back to her. I cried on the way home because I was SO happy that I found the t I was looking for. Than I realized there has to be a catch and started crying even harder!

Why can't I just be happy? I'm SO lucky to have found a t who is SO understanding and who is willing to help me get EXACTLY what I want so why can't I accept it and be happy?!?!

Grr my trust issues!!!