I thought about posting this yesterday, but then I thought, OMG I am THE SAME THING over and over again, so I stopped myself. Here I am again today still worrying about the same stuff, so I'm posting! Forgive me for cycling back to the same issue over and over and over and over and over again
I see T tomorrow morning. I haven't seen him since last Thursday - we usually do twice a week but are transitioning to three times every two weeks because that's all my schedule will allow. We've had almost no contact between sessions - we did our phone message thing on Thursday and then we exchanged one e-mail this weekend. Now session is coming tomorrow and I feel like
I just feel nervous, and I don't know why. I don't want him to sit on the couch with me - when I picture him being that close, I feel smothered..so I'm going to ask him to sit in his chair. And then I kind of wonder...what's that all about? I SO want to go in and feel connected, but I'm scared I'm not going to. And then we'll spend the whole session reconnecting, and then it will be over. I am SO SICK of reconnecting. I just want to STAY connected. I don't know why my brain won't let me just relax and enjoy the fact that we have a good connection.
I have a lot of grief from all of my realizations about love this weekend. I always knew intellectually that it was a sad thing to grow up without being loved, but now instead of "knowing" it, I am "feeling" it. I wonder if I want T far away from me because he loves me and it's just too much to take? I don't WANT to push love away, but it's like I can't stop myself.
Ack. Therapy
