I'm currently finishing a 10 week stint in rehab, for alcohol, which my T is very happy about. However I still have these incredibly self destructive impulses like wanting to drink, cut, or take 10 mg of clonazapam so that I can completely numb out and not feel anything for a few hours. I expressed this to T. She was not happy - I mean she wasn't upset at me, it was more that she was upset that I still have these strong urges. I told her I didn't think I'd ever get over the desire to numb out until, I got the part of me that's suicidal to stop being suicidal. This made her even sadder.

Now she wants to do ego state work, combined with EMDR to determine which of my ego states is suicidal, and figure out what we need to do to heal it (me?). But I'm scared of the intensity of my feelings. EMDR has been very effective for me, but I find it emotionally very intense, and I find ego state work really hard. I guess I'm just worried by being flooded with old memories / emotions and not being able to handle them. My T is usually very good with helping me with containment so that I'm ok between sessions, but this feels bigger & I know it's going to get into some abuse issues that I'm only just starting to be a teensy bit comfortable talking about.

I trust her implicitely and kind of believe her when she says I'll be ok. It just feels very big and overwhelming and scary, and makes me want to run away and hide.

--splitimage